Yes, I know I'm behind again. What's new? It's the story of my blogging life! Welcome to my world people! I've suffered from writers block again. I have noticed that when I am working through other things in my life the "easy" posts become harder. I NEED to write some of my life situations out. This is my own personal journal, right? LOL.
My children started school about 2 weeks ago. It really is a hard time for me. I've had a hard time since my youngest started first grade. Which in our area was full day, kindergarten was still half day. And that is where my challenges begin!
I stumbled upon motherhood. I wanted a career and a good daycare. I ended up falling in love, quitting college and then having kids. I LOVE MOTHERHOOD! I never thought I would but it has me in it's grips and most days I struggle with letting my kids go. It's so hard for me. I cry the first day of school and NOT from joy. I miss them. By the end of the day I'm sitting at the door impatiently waiting for my kids to come home. I miss them needing me like when they were younger. I think it a cruel thing to be a mother with the only purpose to love your kids and teach them to one day leave you! Does any other job do that?
I know someday they will leave me and I do want that. It's the circle of life. I don't baby my kids so that they must stay with me either. I try my hardest to give them the wings to fly without me. Somedays I would love to clip those wings and just hold them tight. To have ME be the center of their little universe. But that is not the way it goes. I need to teach them those little things so that they can become good members of society and start the circle all over again with their families.
Every year the beginning of school affects me and every year I take a day to feel sorry for myself. Then I move on and cry in private and hope that I tell my kids I love them enough and that I am giving them enough tools for life.This year is a little different, this year I know that I need to move on. I can't change how life goes. They will leave as they should and there is no way I would want any different for them. So, this year I am going to grow up myself. I'm going to decide what I want to do with my life outside the family. This year I started counseling to help me decide these things. Why counseling? To fight off the guilt I feel for not giving my all to my family.
I am one of those people that knows it is good for my kids to move on but feel guilty when I do things for me. It hasn't always been this way just in the last few years as I see them needing me less and less and as I feel that my "worth" is dwindling. I no longer know everything, I'm no longer supermom, I'm no longer the ONLY person they want for comfort or even just to play with. The guilt was getting so bad that I said sorry about everything even if it wasn't my fault. I got stuck in a rut and am now seeking help to deal with the future.
Of course when the kids were little I didn't do much thinking about things that I like and things that interest me. I dabbled in crafts, reading, writing, sewing and so many other things. I'm okay at a bunch of things but not really great at anything. This is a year for me to explore other talents that may have lain hidden, to find me while I continue to teach my kids to fly. WIthout guilt, without pressure but with the help and support of my family and friends. But most of all it is me getting off my pity pot that I'm old, that my kids don't need me and re-creating me. Millions of mothers before me have done this, millions of mothers have survived. It is the circle of life.
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